I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you win again, gameday.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Loading more great texts...