My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.