One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?