He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.