I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why are your pants in the freezer?