Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Help. Why am I so naked?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
tell me about the eggs
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.