Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Help. Why am I so naked?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?