Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?