Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Loading more great texts...