Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.