It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!