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my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
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