Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (516)

Last Night in New York (516)

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Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.

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(516): Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN. http://tfl.nu/0bkl

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I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare

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(516): I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare http://tfl.nu/2gb3

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So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound

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(516): So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound http://tfl.nu/9lc4

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How was the picnic?

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We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.

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Why didn't you put them down?

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No beer left behind.

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(413): How was the picnic? (516): We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer. (413): Why didn't you put them down? (516): No beer left behind. http://tfl.nu/j969

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No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.

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(516): No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it. http://tfl.nu/ephi

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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?

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(516): Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep? http://tfl.nu/76br

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today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.

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(516): today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror. http://tfl.nu/6dpn

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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.

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(516): On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER. http://tfl.nu/qydu

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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day

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(516): sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day http://tfl.nu/3ryn

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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.

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(516): I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers. http://tfl.nu/n7z5

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Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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(516): Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle http://tfl.nu/gy3s

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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(516): Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips. http://tfl.nu/dsdr

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Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?

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(516): Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji? http://tfl.nu/gce4

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Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.

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(516): Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram. http://tfl.nu/54ok

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About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.

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(516): About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me. http://tfl.nu/5yy8

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Last Night in New York (516)

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