look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"