My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo