When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
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