So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
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watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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