you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Michael Bay diarrhea
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