I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.