I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...