Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.