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People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
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