11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
COCAINE IS GR8
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.