Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
COCAINE IS GR8
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling