If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
COCAINE IS GR8
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."