Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang