Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.