The adults are the big ones right?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You're a disaster
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick