They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure