There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.