When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly