Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.