I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.