"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Send us your Text From Last Night!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
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