i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
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i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You can't special order awesome
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think I won the penis lottery.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
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