The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Loading more great texts...