I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.