i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
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I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
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