I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??