I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You were trust falling into bushes
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe