Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You were trust falling into bushes
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.