he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP