You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.