He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend