I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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I need water and some morals
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.