scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick