Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half