Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
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