Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night