Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds