There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Loading more great texts...