so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
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