when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I smell like Dick and happiness
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.