Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?