Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Congratulations! We have a period
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.