Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN