Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
So is that a yes?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?