Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (760)

Last Night in California (760)

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Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.

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(760): Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now. http://tfl.nu/d97x

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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore

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(760): I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore http://tfl.nu/3q10

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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.

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(760): She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid. http://tfl.nu/c9kh

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Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.

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Party city is having a sale on maracas

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(760): Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it. http://tfl.nu/7kaa

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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?

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(760): I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that? http://tfl.nu/6xle

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Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes

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(760): Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes http://tfl.nu/0u4w

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I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day. http://tfl.nu/8ipd

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They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure

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(760): They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure http://tfl.nu/8s7w

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I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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(760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu

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She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

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(760): She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks. http://tfl.nu/z0r2

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PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(760): PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART. http://tfl.nu/0igl

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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist

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(760): And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist http://tfl.nu/o8qq

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Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...

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(760): Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on... http://tfl.nu/jpo3

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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.

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(760): Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland. http://tfl.nu/5y5k

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all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(760): all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing. http://tfl.nu/78qs

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Last Night in California (760)

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