How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
do nipples grow back?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.