His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian