My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.