I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
..pick me up at 8.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.