Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
..pick me up at 8.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.