His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.