Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised