I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.