I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.