Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.