No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"