I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.