oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.