Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
and she was petting her beer can
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Loading more great texts...