you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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