Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.