New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.