So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face