One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.