I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.