I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?