I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country