My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich