Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage