Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Minnesota (651)

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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.

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  (651): This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too. http://tfl.nu/gsqe
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  Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?

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  (651): Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend? http://tfl.nu/kwwo
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  And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.

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  (651): And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab. http://tfl.nu/lb7r
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  I'm drinking too much free beer

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  Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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  (651): I'm drinking too much free beer (508): Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible. http://tfl.nu/a7hm
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  You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.

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  (651): You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work. http://tfl.nu/ixce
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  This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

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  Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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  (651): This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease. (507): Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits. http://tfl.nu/blof
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  My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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  (651): My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex. http://tfl.nu/dfh2
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  You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

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  Slutty, slutty tools.

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  (507): You used the best tools you had at your disposal. (651): Slutty, slutty tools. http://tfl.nu/m6kb
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  You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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  (651): You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions. http://tfl.nu/alli
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  I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt

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  (651): I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt http://tfl.nu/h1u7
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  When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.

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  (651): When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end. http://tfl.nu/o22d
  Replies (17) Good night (253) Bad night (2238)
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  I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

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  (651): I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents. http://tfl.nu/48zb
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  Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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  (651): Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~ http://tfl.nu/6n7p
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  Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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  (651): Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS" http://tfl.nu/3sn5
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  Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.

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  (651): Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize. http://tfl.nu/ao6w
  Replies (5) Good night (1642) Bad night (297)