Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
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