I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.