I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?