Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine