I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?