what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.