you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
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