Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm having to shit out rocks
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?