Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Send us your Text From Last Night!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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