Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING