This toilet bowl is my home.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you