You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?