I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.