Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.