Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?